So I know when I post personal stuff it’s depressing but’ I swear I try so hard so so hard to be happy. And I am happy most of the time, however it has gotten so hard to try and smile and not feel so empty.
I look at my arms and just have to fight back the want to cut them,me fen though I have never once done it before. I try to stay calm when anxiety creeps up on me making me think that death is something you can’t run from.
I have dreams that make me remember how fucked up in the head I have been and how pathetic I feel. Dreams have been the place of escape when it comes to my life. But now life is haunting my only escape.
I have so many days where I fight myself to leave my bed, I fight myself to eat, shower,dress, even to talk. Why is it so hard to do such simple things. Simple things that have become chores.
I can’t find a job, I can’t sell the things I make. I can’t make the money I need to get away from what’s causing half my problems.
I don’t even know what I would do if I got away, would it make things worse? Would my head out me in a deeper ditch than I already am.
I just want to remember and feel what it is to be actually happy again. I had not a care in the world when my parents where together, I was such a happy kid. Then things went down hill and so did I. I haven’t been able to pick myself up from it since.
6th grade now graduated…and I’m still depressed only getting help for it this year. Family still making me feel bad and making me feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Saying I’m glorifying it when I’m not.
I just want to be happy, not have to fight tears. Not have to question everything that is going through my mind. Just shut down the part of my brain that causes it all. Not care what others think and be proud of who I am. If I could even figure out who I am.